Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
