My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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