I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
