i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
