tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
