I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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