I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Watching her eat just hurts me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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