I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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