tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Randomize
