I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
