im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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