She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
