I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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