you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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