so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my poor anus
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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