She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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