i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
