I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
