By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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