margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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