allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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