i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
