hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
