why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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