If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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