I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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