I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
