i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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