cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
