i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
