Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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