I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
