Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
