Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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