So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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