I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
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Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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