I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
