I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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