I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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