I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
