You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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