when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
