They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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