you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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