Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Terrible idea I love it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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