Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
