Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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