Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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