"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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