i already hear my dad disowning me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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