There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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