Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
