dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm like, not good at living.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
