Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Pants are for mortals
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