Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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