remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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